Ten Golden Rules for BBC News Channel staff

I suspect BBC News Channel readers and reporters go through the same briefing on their first day of work. Please correct me if I'm wrong. (And - forgive me, Simon McCoy. You're the exception.)

FIRST RULE:

All questions must start with the word: "How? Examples:

• How worried should we be...?
• How important is this to us...?
• How prepared are we...?
• How disastrous is this...?
• How embarrassing is this...?

Well, you get the picture. Funnily enough, you never have to add "on a scale 1-10".

SECOND RULE:

When covering a major live event, make sure your footage is on a loop and just keep filling the air with meaningless repeats of what you have just said, but with added "Ehhrr..."s and slightly different wording. Just keep on doing this until the weather presenter comes in to save you.

THIRD RULE:

Do not have any moral scruples if you need to cut an interviewee short because the jingle is due in a few seconds' time. Jingles and trailers are important. Besides, who cares what they actually say when they come on the programme, anyway. As long as you get a few "How" questions in. Main thing. Noone will notice.

FOURTH RULE:

If Prime Ministers or other notably important people are late for a presser - do not panic. Ask the on site reporter informative questions like:

• What can we expect the PM to say today?

Then, just follow up with a number of How questions:

• How likely is it that PM will...? etc

Once the PM begins, don't worry if the camera stays with the reporter who keeps babbling on with his/her hypothetical theories. There'll be plenty of time to hear the PM on the 6 o'clock news. Besides, you will already have heard what he (was likely to have) said - from the reporter.

FIFTH RULE:

Whatever happens in London (Do things happen elsewhere too?) - make sure you get some choppers up there to get the full view from above. This means excellent footage of streets, roofs of buildings and roundabouts - which can be used on a loop for future boring events. Priceless.

SIXTH RULE:

When presenting the news at the newsdesk, don't worry too much about what you're wearing. There will be a big banner with BREAKING NEWS captions on it, covering most of the screen anyway. It might cover said helicopter footage at times, but then you can instead read on the banner what it is you can't see.

SEVENTH RULE:

If you are a Sports reporter, we encourage you to go out and mingle with extreme sports people. Capture what they do. Share the excitement. But please make sure no sportsmen/women are part of the report. No, it makes it a lot easier if you have a go yourself. The more the sport action makes you look like an idiot, the better. Guaranteed to increase your kudos on the BBC ranking list.

EIGHT RULE:

During weekdays, we will pair you up with a presenter of the opposite sex. Preferable also someone of another ethnic origin than yours. We have political correctness to take into consideration, you know. Does not apply to weekend staff, when nothing happens anyway.

NINTH RULE:

You are allowed to joke a bit when handing over to the weather, saying things like "You're looking unusually frisky today, Carole Kirkman!" and such like.

As long as you ensure that serious, sombre look once you go back to sad news, like royal ingrown toe nails.

TENTH RULE:

For those of you presenting regional news, the tone can be slightly more informal. Here, we encourage banter about subjects that matter to people outside London. This will involve telling the weatherman what your dog had for breakfast and how much your husband enjoyed your latest holiday to Butlins. You know, simple things.

And that was all from the newsroom today.

A BRITT-ish view on British film - on British TV

British films are rare on British TV. Foreign films even more so - unless you count the ones from Hollywood Country. I find that very sad.

This might come as a surprise to readers of this blog who live in Sweden - a country whose television has a long tradition of showing British productions. We were brought up on Upstairs & Downstairs, the Onedin Line, Family At War, the Forsyth Saga and Morse....

The very concepts of 'having a cup of tea' or 'Sunday roast' in Swedes' minds probably stem from these TV series.

Many a great British comedy has been shipped across the North Sea and welcomed with open arms by a Swedish audience who know how to appreciate British humour. We even used to have our homegrown versions of Steptoe & Son and Good Old Days - courtesy Gothenburg TV! This, on the other hand, might surprise my British readers.

So, when moving to the UK, I did expect a somewhat greater choice of excellent dramas and films, actually made in Blighty. Having been a keen cineaste in my home town and a frequent Gothenburg Film festival visitor, my hopes were up there - pretty high. But God, was I disappointed. Part from a few excellent dramas now and then and the odd film - shown at silly o'clock in the night - not an awful lot, actually!

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of brilliant productions around. Intelligent, inspirational and hard working film makers make excellent films. It is just that, they do not seem to get much airtime. Plus, if you don't belong to an independent film association or read about films - you will never know they exist. I am not an expert on the British film market, I can only guess it has to do with poor funding and lack of opportunities, of film producers wanting to make film which do not 'fit the pattern'.

I love a good film - preferably shown in a proper, old cinema. But I want to be surprised, not figuring out the plot already after the first few minutes. I want to be blown away by an incredible story which takes me to places I never have seen. Or go to places I do know well, but which are portrayed in a new light. The feeling of not being able to leave the armchair, because you just have to see what happens next... or because the footage is simply mind-blowing. I want a film that makes me laugh and cry, makes me angry, makes me fall in love. That's what I want. Is that asking too much?

I don't want to predict that the end is nigh by the time you start hearing the helicopters and see the blue lights. You know, just after the moment where the hero and heroine have finished their run in the obligatory tunnel, chased by a ball of fire. I don't want to be able to figure out that the blonde pony-tail woman, who started off in a beige cardigan and reading glasses, will end up running all slow-motioned... beside our hero - in a white, wet vest. This is not just predictable - it is utterly boring.

American main stream, Hollywood productions get the dosh, get the mentions on the Beeb and the big opening nights at Leicester Square. Shops are flooded with film paraphernalia until people vomit over it. This is not fair, but neither is it necessary! Some of the best films I have seen were made on a very tight budget. In fact, in some ways I think shoestring budgets might be a positive thing. Correct me if I am wrong!

When I go back to Sweden, I do find things very much the same of late. Everything is much more 'USA' orientated. As a former Modern language teacher, I notice many teenagers speak English with an American accent rather than British nowadays. Coincidence? Maybe.

Nevertheless, there are still quite a few British productions being shown in Sweden. Also slightly more foreign films than what are generally broadcast in the UK - and quite a few Swedish good quality productions, too. Wallander, to mention but one.

Foreign films in Sweden are always subtitled so you can get the benefit of actually hearing the original language. To me, that adds enormously to the whole film experience.

During one Gothenburg Film festival, I watched an Albanian film, in Albanian and Italian - with German (!) subtitles. Now - that was a bit too much even for me!

Anyway - here's me hoping for more British films in Britain. Less Hollywood.

Maybe I'm just being too picky!!?